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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26059870">3</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lame_Writer/pseuds/Lame_Writer'>Lame_Writer</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Abandonment issues [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>IT (Movies - Muschietti)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Gay Character, Complicated Relationships, Crying, Daddy Issues, Fear, Fear of Discovery, Fear of Rejection, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Gay Richie Tozier, Identity Issues, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Movie: IT (2017), Nightmare, Nightmares, Paranoia, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Worth Issues, Trust Issues</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 11:14:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,703</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26059870</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lame_Writer/pseuds/Lame_Writer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Abandonment issues [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1891402</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The regret soon turned to sorrow, richie getting up quickly without saying a word as he sprinted away. He didn't care that people called out for him, the worried voices they made him remember his terrible thoughts, his "dreams",it ate at his very being. Clambering over stumps and erect roots that protruded from the slight damp dirt and grass underneath him. His panting became a mix of heavy breaths and silent wheezes as the sound of nearby rushing water soon settled in his ringing ears. When he snapped out of it, he looked down at his reflection in the crystal clear water, sitting down on his knees to get a better look. </p><p>His face had a slight tint of red as his chest heaved, his eyes were puffy and stung from how much he cried, the corners of his mouth trembled softly over his features. He looked away soon after, his hand resting on the side of his face as he sat down looking forward to look more further at the large lake in front of him. Realizing what he did he began to hit his temples hard, feeling he deserved every single bit of pain he felt. </p><p>You push away your friends, you run away to get away from them when all they wanted to fucking do was help, yeah great one tozier, really great god damn job you did now they'll never wanna talk to you again. </p><p>He would try to shake those thoughts away as he slipped off his shirt(s), thick black glasses, shorts and shoes + socks, slowly walking into the water not even the cold that latched onto his warm skin affected him. His lungs tightening from the sudden rush of the cold water, something slithered around his lungs and chest as he slowly walked in. Feeling the world practically cave in on him as it crumbled, shaky and alone. </p><p>"Such a fucking IDIOT !" He yells into the void, he pulled at his hair for a few moments - the stinging from the force giving him more shame, he deserves the pain - in his mind, he deserves more than just this. He didn't want them to see him cry, he'd be a coward, a laughing stock. More of a crybaby than he was told he was by his parents, he didn't have anyone to go to. No matter how much he wanted to scream and vent about his problems to his friends, he just didn't trust anyone - not even them, enough with such emotional baggage. He didn't want to have them push him away, to be called an embarrassment. </p><p>Oh god, what would Eddie think ? That the big Richie Tozier was a fag, and worse - he loved HIM. what if he didn't want to be around him anymore after that ? Or tell everyone his feelings, go get hurt more. </p><p>"No,,no he - he wouldn't do that" Richie tried to push away the thoughts, the pain, the paranoia. The paranoia that if he ever confessed his feelings - he'd be hit, laughed at, or worse than that - Eddie would be disgusted. Disgusted by him, disgusted by his love - and never being able to hear his cute, addictive laugh, his adorable voice, anything. He felt more tears fall from his cheeks - his heart was being torn at over and over by his own mind, the scenarios playing and he was front and center. He was the main act, unwillingly. </p><p>"Just forget it - it's not like I'm gonna tell. Whose going to fucking know if I don't tell anyone ?!" He yelled at himself, his mind resisted. His arms began to shake, his body was like a weak wrist holding silver spoons. No match to beat himself - his anxiety was too strong. No matter how many times he tried to 'reassure' himself that no one would know he was gay, a part of him beat at the thought that they soon would - no matter how hard he tried to hide it. No matter how much he'd deny it, he couldn't, he knew it was there and that's all that mattered. He didn't want to push everyone he knew away, but what choice did he have. He didn't know if they wouldn't turn against him if they got the chance, to hurt him as much or even more than the others. He wanted to put on a fake smile and go back, make up a piss poor excuse and move on; but, they'd all just question him more, and he wasn't mentally able to even handle his own thoughts, let alone other peoples.</p><p>"Just shut up, shut up — I don't want to think about it" he hit his head again, he couldn't even look into the reflection of the water - he hated to see his poor excuse of a face, let alone like this. He didn't want to be himself, a part of him just wanted to live like someone else - somewhere better than here, his own living hell. Being in the water only did so much to soothe his aching nerves. He wanted to go under the water, letting it fill his lungs as they burned and his vision fade, the sweet release of death was just in his reach. But, he never did. He didn't have the heart to leave Eddie, he didn't want to make him hurt - and not be there to comfort him anymore, that would be worse than living in this hell on earth ever could. He wanted to go to his happy place, a place with just him and Eddie - he wanted to tell him everything he'd repress himself from saying, everything he'd have to stop himself from doing - knowing the consequences of being gay here, he didn't want Eddie to suddenly go missing, or bloody. </p><p>Time was passing slowly, it was wearing down his patience to the bone, forcing himself out of the water - he didn't know how much time had passed, and didn't want anyone to be looking for him. He put back on his clothes with some hesitation, he felt more worthless, more pathetic. But tried not to let it show, even if the only thing that kept him company was nature, no other people in his line of sight. Shuffling his feet down a path to get back home, it was like weights on his feet and he wanted to break free. A dirty secret, desires that were punished by death from civilians, twisted by his 'teachings' from teachers, his parents, and everyone else in Derry, being gay was the most disgusting, harmful, and sinful thing to ever be, you weren't human if you were gay, you were a monster. The words even if spoken in the past, were like bullets opening new wounds - nothing could mend the trauma, nothing could make him feel 'pure'. He wasn't even human, after all. </p><p>"I don't want this..I don't want these thoughts"</p><p>"I don't want these feelings, these damn fucking feelings are going to be the death of me" </p><p>He was mumbling his concerns quietly to himself, not like anyone even cared enough to listen. Keeping his head down, eyes to the concrete of the sidewalk he shuffled his feet on. Zoned out, weak. He hated the feeling, the weakness. It was nothing he could even control, he couldn't get rid of it, bend it, change it into something to help him - it was just as much of a burden as he was. Just as much of a mistake, as he was. Getting home to an empty house as usual, he felt relief in knowing his parents weren't going to be home for a while, made him for once feel safe in his own surroundings. He made his way inside, shutting and locking the door behind him carefully. He let the tears fall again, this time not caring how bad it got - he was alone. Without fear that someone was hiding behind something to watch, or blackmail him. He didn't want to have the burning feeling of eyes in his direction, on his body, on him. He hated the attention - especially knowing it was negative. He wanted to disappear and never come back. </p><p>"Stupid fucking assholes, stupid, stupid, stupid" he sniffles and whimpers, feeling his body go numb from the trembling. He quickly made his way to his room, flopping onto his bed - he hated to hear his voice, he hated his tears, his face, his body, everything about him brought shame, disgust, and judgment. He hated it, he despised it. He thought of switching body parts of other people so that maybe he'd be liked more, or at least treated like a human being instead of an animal.</p><p>“I’m such a fucking garbage fire,, I mean — falling for my best friend ? Why..this is a big mistake” he mumbled once he finished crying, sitting up only to lay down on his back, staring up at the ceiling. He was wondering if he did something wrong, maybe his heart was messed up, maybe he was messed up in some way. He never found girls attractive, only Eddie - and it made his heart sink to the pit of his stomach - already shattered like glass as it was. His heart melts for someone he could never have, something he could only touch so much before it would be gone. He didn’t have a choice, he wishes he did - but that would lead to a whole new world of hurt. He snapped out of his thoughts, needing to stop thinking, wanting to stop thinking. He wanted to be numb so at least he wouldn’t feel this way for someone he wasn’t allowed to. He sat up again quickly, grabbing his pillow and throwing it onto his floor in frustration, the heat of the moment. He didn’t ask to be this way, he didn’t want to be a mistake in the eyes of Derry, or anyone for that matter. He didn’t want to be labeled as the ‘faggot kid’ and be targeted more, painting a new shade of red on the target on his back. </p><p>He couldn’t shake off the fear no matter how hard he tried, his heart was starting to pound more, it felt as if it was pounding outside his rib cage. His chest stung, gut twisted and knotted up, as his eyes began to water again. But he wiped his tears away before he could cry again. He didn’t want to cry again, he didn’t want to feel weak again. He didn’t want to feel smaller than he was already feeling. He began to wonder what it would be like if he weren’t fucked up as he was now, he didn’t do anything for such a fate - but it fell in his palms anyway. He wanted to vanish, he wanted to believe things would be better without him. Maybe Eddie would be happier without him. More grief seemed to find him the more he thought about it.</p><p>Maybe run away ? Change my name, my identity ? Things could get better — the thought was swiftly shooed off when he realized that the feelings he had for Eddie would still be there, changing himself physically wouldn’t solve the problem. At least, he felt that way. But what if it did ? No. He groans, laying down on his side and curling up in a ball - feeling drowsiness take over, he didn’t want to sleep but his body was shutting down. He didn’t have a choice, he felt - safe. Comfortable, and warm. He wrapped the covers around himself protectively and took off his glasses, placing them on the end table and slowly closing his eyes. </p><p>“You love me right ?” He heard a voice echo, it was Eddie ! He slowly opened his eyes, his vision fuzzy and distorted for a few seconds. He looked down at Eddie with a confused expression as he stayed quiet. </p><p>“Why’re you looking at me like that ?” Typical Eddie response, it made Richie smile at least. </p><p>“What do you mean ?” Richie finally asked, breaking the awkwardness he felt in his chest. </p><p>“You said you love me, is that true ?” That was enough to make richies heart sink, his stomach drop and his face pale. He didn’t say that did he ? He didn’t want to admit ! Eddie didn’t seem affected by his reaction. Just raised a brow, waiting for a response. </p><p>“Well ?” Eddie asked, sounding more impatient. </p><p>“What I can’t tell my special friend Eds I love him ?” He forced a laugh, trying to plat it off as a joke. But Eddie just rolled his eyes and scoffed, not too pleased with his answer. </p><p>“You sounded like you meant it, romantically. And you know what they’d do if they found out you liked guys” he glared, it was hateful and full of spite. Richie swallowed the lump in his throat and nervously laughed to himself, nodding as he pushed down all his anxiety. </p><p>“Of course I do ! Why ?” He tried to act calm, but his facade was breaking down with eddies glare tearing him open. </p><p>“No one likes a faggot, Richie, you know that” Eddie crossed his arms and looked away briefly, looking back up at Richie with a more careless expression. While Richie nodded again, his heart broke a bit. </p><p>“Yeah I know,, who doesn’t ?” He tried not to sound hurt, but his voice was wavering. Eddie picked up on this. </p><p>“Don’t tell me you feel bad for them - or upset about it, it’s the rules” </p><p>“I know it’s the rules, I’m just tired - didn’t get enough sleep last night you know” </p><p>“They’re monsters Richie, I’d never want to be seen near them - and if I did I’d have to let everyone know, we can’t have them in our town” Eddie started to sound more angry in his tone. Richie felt his heart pick up, his palms began to sweat and shake. He felt like he was getting sick, he wanted to puke - but didn’t want to in front of Eddie. He tried to move but he was frozen in place, as if his feet were glued to the floor. </p><p>“You’re not a worthless monster, are you Richie ?” </p><p>“No - no, not in — not in a million years !” </p><p>“You’re lying, aren’t you ?” He sounded more condescending, putting Richie more on edge. He quickly shook his head and bit his tongue, clenching his fists nervously. </p><p>“You’re a bad liar, monster.” </p><p>“E-Eds— you know m-“</p><p>“Don’t ! Call me that, monster” Richie flinched at his sudden yell, begging his legs to just move, but they couldn’t. </p><p>“I’d never love you, you’re a boy, I’m a boy, it’s fucking disgusting” Eddie spat, making Richie flinch again. Tears pricking his eyes as he tried his best to hold them back. He felt like he was going to breakdown at any moment, he didn’t want the weakness to show, but he was being verbally hit left and right. </p><p>“You’re so fucking weak, faggot, already about to breakdown” Eddie mocked, no remorse or hesitation in his expression. He heard echoes of laughter fill his ears - he shut his eyes tight, accidentally letting some tears fall out, which only made the laughing in every direction louder. His breaths her faster as his heart raced. He couldn’t take it, it hurt so much. His body burned with the familiar sting of being watched. He didn’t want to be this way, he didn’t ask to be like this. And suddenly he shot up from bed - tears running down his face as he gasped for air, looking around and the laughing, the burning, everything was gone. He was alone in his room again, the only comforting thing with him was the blanket. He picked up the pillow and laid down again, silently crying. </p><p>Did he really feel that way, or is that my paranoia ? </p><p>He pondered, not wanting his nightmare to be a reality, he couldn’t risk it. It was too much to handle, let alone if it were to happen outside a nightmare. He still felt so hurt, he felt betrayed even if it was just a dream. He didn’t want to feel this way. He felt his throat burn, as if he was done screaming his head off without making a sound. </p><p>He hated feeling so weak.</p>
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